Chronic Health And Weight

Hey Guys!

So today, I want to talk about weight. I know this may be a sensitive topic for a few of us, because we lose so much control over our bodies when it comes to battling a chronic health condition.

I want to start by saying that while my experience is from that of the underweight, I want to stress that those on their fight to lose unwanted weight are just as welcome, valid and important. I will not tolerate any prejudice from one towards the other, because the reality is, we all fight our own battles for our own reasons, and while we may have opposing goals, we are all trying to be a happier, healthier version of ourselves.

Treatment options can be a big cause of our weight fluctuations, and a huge cause of frustration and embarrassment for us, as can the health issues that require them like PsA, Pso Lupus and Crohns. They can directly affect the way we feel inside ourselves, and change our physical appearance so much that sometimes just leaving the house takes courage. They also throw in an additional challenge with physical limitations on what we are able to do. I know for me, physical exercise is a challenge a lot of the time with my joints, and the fact that I am always exhausted does not exactly encourage me to get out of bed, let alone get down to the gym.

I have always been a slim person. I take after my dads side of the family in that they are all quite slender and lanky. For me, I was also a very active kid, who never sat still for more than a few minutes at a time, and even when I was, I'd be tapping on something, or bouncing my legs etc. It drove my mother nuts!

I have always had my weight floating around in my noggin, and never wanted to gain much. After the failed attempt at the naturalistic diet, my weight didn't drop, but I didn't "grow" the way I probably should have within that time. Soon after that came MTX, and that only made things worse. Because I couldn't tolerate a lot of foods, healthy or otherwise, I didn't eat a whole lot, and when I did, a lot of it came back up.
During this time, teachers especially started paying more attention to me at meal times. I had no desire to eat, and when I felt pushed into it, I would often wind up being sick because of it. My teachers had a talk with the grade about healthy eating and in a group setting, asked if anyone had issues with their weight. I didn't raise my hand because, I didn't, apart from it probably being too low. I didn't really know that could be an issue - being too skinny, because its not something often talked about. Then they asked if anyone thought they were "too big" and wanted to lose weight. Again, I kept my hand down, because well, I didn't! We were given an age appropriate talk on eating disorders, and bulimia came up. I didn't really connect the dots, because I wasn't doing it on purpose, it was a involuntary reaction to food, that I didn't really want! I liked food, and wanted to keep it down! I just accepted that sometimes that wouldn't happen, and was conscious of what I ate because of it.
I always felt the eyes on me when I ate. I had teachers escort me to the bathroom a few times to see if they could hear what was going on. I was offered free canteen lunches of pies and mini pizzas etc on days where I said I wasn't hungry/ not feeling well because they wanted me to eat.

After that, I tried to avoid eating infront of people at all. I always felt scrutinized and judged for what I put in my mouth, and that started to make me consider the types of food I was eating. As I got older, I was watching what I ate more. I would still eat unhealthily because it was the food I liked more, But would work harder to exercise. After I went off MTX, I would eat whatever I wanted, but at night I would work out before I went to bed. I liked the slim figure I had, and wanted to keep it. I took up BMX riding and every day after school i would be out on my bike down at the track, riding on the bike track, or riding around the streets near my house. I also played Badminton as an after school sport, because I liked the quickness and agility you needed to keep up, and I was good at it! I figured the lighter I was, the quicker I would be. Towards the end, My joints had started to give me trouble, although I didn't know why yet, and so I stopped playing after high school.

From then on I was hyper aware of my weight. I didn't want to gain, and noticed that I didn't seem to no matter what I did, but I did find it easy enough to lose - Which is not great when you plateau at 50kg at 18. Right before I fell pregnant, I went through a rough patch mentally, and I lost my appetite. I dropped from about 52kg to about 46kg. None of my clothes fit, I was getting sick, was always cold, because I had no meat on my bones. When we decided to start trying again, the doctors told me by my BMI, I was underweight, and to have the best chance at success, I needed to gain. I made an effort to get back up to 50 where I plateaued again, and I just couldn't seem to get past it! When I fell pregnant the doctor told me to expect to gain around 15kg, and I panicked because I had never weighed that much! I actually didn't gain anything really for the first 15 weeks or so, and then it stacked on! The day I had Grayson, I weighed myself before going to the delivery room, and I hit 69.5kg. That's 20kg! The day after he was born, I did it again, and had dropped back to 61kg. That's where I stayed. In the beginning, I had no interest in losing it, because I didn't have the time, energy nor desire to lose it. But after he turned one, I started to feel uncomfortable in myself. I wanted my body back. I went from an AU size 6, to a 10 and growing, and I didn't like it! I joined the gym, and started working out, but couldn't keep up with it, as my joints were crapping out on me one by one after each visit. I still pay for the gym, but haven't been in close to a year. I need to change that.

One of the joints that went after the others was my jaw. That meant I couldn't eat solid food without agony. I couldn't even open my mouth far enough to fit food in! I was living off soup, custard, yogurt, and tea through a straw, and even swallowing hurt. I couldn't snack like I always did, I couldn't eat meat, veggies, or anything really, unless I could much it up, which I wouldn't do because who wants a roast chicken and veg thick shake? Yuck!

From that alone, I dropped about 10kg before I started getting some movement back. It did shrink my stomach, and decrease my portion sizes significantly, which is probably a good thing as I was eating far too much. I was still sitting at about 53.5kg ish, until now. Taltz has lowered my appetite again, but its also done my Immune system in. I currently have the flu, a sinus infection and starts of a chest infection that i'm trying to kick, and no desire to eat. My mental health hs also taken a bit of a nose dive recently so that's not helping. last night, after a shower, I decided to get on the scales.

Last night, I got back to my pre pregnancy weight.. and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I'd gotten used to the extra bit of weight, I liked that I didn't look sick anymore, that clothes fit me a bit better. But I also know that this is the version of myself that I know best. I know that if I had those extra few seemingly insignificant kilo's that I would feel less comfortable to get out in the sun in bathers come summer. One of the effects having clearer skin has on me, is I become more focused on what I perceive as my other flaws, like my weight. I know in my mind that I'm probably much better off health wise with those few extra kgs, but it's a whole new world of judgement when I appear to be like everyone else and it leaves me feeling very vulnerable. I'm still learning how to cope with that, as vulnerability is something a bit new to me. I never felt vulnerable with my skin, because its was like living with high visibility neon camouflage - It was the most obvious thing to see, that took the focus off the rest of me. I feel like i'm missing my shield.

I know for a lot of people, they feel the opposite to me, that they would give anything to shed some unwanted weight, to be off the medications that are responsible for putting them there, and to feel like themselves again. I am unbelievably lucky to have so far avoided steroid treatments, and others that drastically alter your weight although I know my days are numbered. It is inevitable that I will hit them down the track.

I'm a fairly body positive person, in that I believe everyone deserves to be the best version of themselves, and that version is the one in which they are the happiest, and most comfortable. If you have a desire to lose weight for your greater happiness, then that's great, and I wish you nothing but success! If you are happiest at your current weight, then brilliant! If you wish you had a bit more weight, more of a booty, or bigger muscles or bigger anything else, then that's bang on too, I hear squats and combat classes are all the rage. My aim is to not lose any more. My body cant afford to.

What I hope most is that the reason for your desired change is for your happiness, not anyone elses, because if we only desire to be what others deem acceptable, then your happiness takes a back seat to their expectations, and how is that fair!?

I hope you enjoyed this post! If you have any comments or want to share your story, you can comment below anonymously, and I've also started a closed Facebook Group you can join and talk with me, and other sufferers without anyone outside the group able to see.

Thanks so much for reading!
Millz