Our Mental Health - Lets Talk
Heya guys!
Sorry for the Hiatus! I've been layed out with a headache for a bit over a week. Guessing its a side effect of the loading dose of Taltz.
But it has got me thinking!
Sufferers of chronic health issues of any variety experience an altered quality of life. Our good days are the ones with less pain, less itchiness, less fatigue, less side effects, etc. Sadly, they are rarely days with No pain, No fatigue etc. This has a lasting and profound effect on our mental health. How could it not?
For me, the struggles with depression, and incredibly low self esteem, have been a life long battle. As I've had Psoriasis for basically my whole life, I've been through it all. Primary school and high school were not fun times for me. I would say that primary school was probably worse, kids don't have much of a filter. I got everything from "Eww, get away, i'll catch it!!" to "last one to **insert task/ race/ finish food** Has to go touch her!!", Name calling, the usual stuff.
High school was different. I went in with the same group, and added to it pretty quickly. It was also here where things got more mentally difficult. Boys became more of a thing, and having such crappy self esteem ( I realise now) played a huge part in the choices I made. I was still picked on, just more discreetly. I was told on more than one occasion by one guy in particular that if he wanted anything from me, I should just do it, because no one else ever would. While the answer was always no, I held on to that belief for a long, long time. My first serious boyfriend was the first person who I was open about my condition, and who accepted it without question, with full support. We dated for a long while and upon our breakup, he attempted suicide while on the phone with me, this threw me fown the rabbit hole. He again reaffirmed without meaning to, that no one would ever love me like he did. He meant it in the romantic way, I took it in the physical sense. Who would ever want me? I was also picked on, by a several people WITH PSORIASIS for HAVING PSORIASIS. Go figure. Mine was just worse than theirs, so that made me fair game I guess.
I self harmed a lot, and depression almost got the better of me more than once. Facing the reality of my condition for my whole life felt like a cruel joke. I often joke with Jason, that I must have kicked a lot of puppies in a past life.
I was so not used to getting attention from guys, that when it happened, I would be instantly smitten and form way too strong an attachment, way too soon. I still do this as an adult, and it pushes people away a lot. I run on about 50% of my full personality to try not to overwhelm people now, and sometimes that's still not enough.
It took meeting Jason to make me see differently. As I said in the previous post, hes been there 100% from the start, and I have many guy friends who have said it wouldn't bother them either, because there is more to the people that they are attracted to than their skin quality. The one upside to dating with Psoriasis? It weeds out the wankers.
I also go through this vulnerability when a treatment works. I'm used to having thick skin (buh dum tish!) so I use it to my advantage. I'm used to being judged for it, seeing people whisper and point, side eye and double take. So I expect it. It kept the attention off my other flaws. But once my skin clears up, I feel more exposed. My weight is in my thoughts more, My post baby body shape , My stretch marks from where my skin was so tight while covered in P that it ripped. My breakouts, areas on my body I don't like. All these things are now my judgement criteria, and its a whole new round of side eyeing and judgement from strangers I'm just not used to! This is something I am going through at the moment, and Its hard! No one seems to understand it, So I'ts something I'm working through on my own. Have you experienced this?
I remember one day my doctor offered me anti-depressants. He said feeling depressed in my situation is totally understandable! It was then that i realised, well yeah! Of course it is! But taking mood altering drugs isn't going to change my situation. I'm still going to have the conditions, so my depression's major trigger is always going to be there! I went to Psychologists and councillors and social workers instead and that always helped me more than any drug would, and I highly recommend seeing someone to get all the shit off your chest to a neutral party whenever possible.
Something else to consider is your current treatment. I experienced horrible side effects with some meds, none with others, but they all affect me mentally, in one way or another. Its important to remember that sometimes the effects of the drug can be wide spread and change things you don't expect. If you are suddenly feeling more anxious, depressed, vulnerable or otherwise different to your usual self, make sure to report this to your doctors so you can keep on top of it. Mental health can spiral fast.
For me, when I feel too stuck in my head, I have the Adult colouring books, or I do crafty things where i can keep my hands and mind busy for a while. I recommend it!
My life got dramatically better for me in my 20's. Its when I got engaged, when I found Humira, when our son came into our lives, and I still have a few years to go! It will always get better. Sometimes, it just takes a bloody long time to happen, but its so, so worth the wait.
If you would like to talk to someone, I will leave some helpful links below. :)
Thanks so much for reading, and as always, if you have any questions or wish to share, please leave a comment down below! :)
Millz.
xx
Beyond Blue LifeLine Psoriasis Talk
Sorry for the Hiatus! I've been layed out with a headache for a bit over a week. Guessing its a side effect of the loading dose of Taltz.
But it has got me thinking!
Sufferers of chronic health issues of any variety experience an altered quality of life. Our good days are the ones with less pain, less itchiness, less fatigue, less side effects, etc. Sadly, they are rarely days with No pain, No fatigue etc. This has a lasting and profound effect on our mental health. How could it not?
For me, the struggles with depression, and incredibly low self esteem, have been a life long battle. As I've had Psoriasis for basically my whole life, I've been through it all. Primary school and high school were not fun times for me. I would say that primary school was probably worse, kids don't have much of a filter. I got everything from "Eww, get away, i'll catch it!!" to "last one to **insert task/ race/ finish food** Has to go touch her!!", Name calling, the usual stuff.
High school was different. I went in with the same group, and added to it pretty quickly. It was also here where things got more mentally difficult. Boys became more of a thing, and having such crappy self esteem ( I realise now) played a huge part in the choices I made. I was still picked on, just more discreetly. I was told on more than one occasion by one guy in particular that if he wanted anything from me, I should just do it, because no one else ever would. While the answer was always no, I held on to that belief for a long, long time. My first serious boyfriend was the first person who I was open about my condition, and who accepted it without question, with full support. We dated for a long while and upon our breakup, he attempted suicide while on the phone with me, this threw me fown the rabbit hole. He again reaffirmed without meaning to, that no one would ever love me like he did. He meant it in the romantic way, I took it in the physical sense. Who would ever want me? I was also picked on, by a several people WITH PSORIASIS for HAVING PSORIASIS. Go figure. Mine was just worse than theirs, so that made me fair game I guess.
I self harmed a lot, and depression almost got the better of me more than once. Facing the reality of my condition for my whole life felt like a cruel joke. I often joke with Jason, that I must have kicked a lot of puppies in a past life.
I was so not used to getting attention from guys, that when it happened, I would be instantly smitten and form way too strong an attachment, way too soon. I still do this as an adult, and it pushes people away a lot. I run on about 50% of my full personality to try not to overwhelm people now, and sometimes that's still not enough.
I also go through this vulnerability when a treatment works. I'm used to having thick skin (buh dum tish!) so I use it to my advantage. I'm used to being judged for it, seeing people whisper and point, side eye and double take. So I expect it. It kept the attention off my other flaws. But once my skin clears up, I feel more exposed. My weight is in my thoughts more, My post baby body shape , My stretch marks from where my skin was so tight while covered in P that it ripped. My breakouts, areas on my body I don't like. All these things are now my judgement criteria, and its a whole new round of side eyeing and judgement from strangers I'm just not used to! This is something I am going through at the moment, and Its hard! No one seems to understand it, So I'ts something I'm working through on my own. Have you experienced this?
I remember one day my doctor offered me anti-depressants. He said feeling depressed in my situation is totally understandable! It was then that i realised, well yeah! Of course it is! But taking mood altering drugs isn't going to change my situation. I'm still going to have the conditions, so my depression's major trigger is always going to be there! I went to Psychologists and councillors and social workers instead and that always helped me more than any drug would, and I highly recommend seeing someone to get all the shit off your chest to a neutral party whenever possible.
Something else to consider is your current treatment. I experienced horrible side effects with some meds, none with others, but they all affect me mentally, in one way or another. Its important to remember that sometimes the effects of the drug can be wide spread and change things you don't expect. If you are suddenly feeling more anxious, depressed, vulnerable or otherwise different to your usual self, make sure to report this to your doctors so you can keep on top of it. Mental health can spiral fast.
For me, when I feel too stuck in my head, I have the Adult colouring books, or I do crafty things where i can keep my hands and mind busy for a while. I recommend it!
My life got dramatically better for me in my 20's. Its when I got engaged, when I found Humira, when our son came into our lives, and I still have a few years to go! It will always get better. Sometimes, it just takes a bloody long time to happen, but its so, so worth the wait.
If you would like to talk to someone, I will leave some helpful links below. :)
Thanks so much for reading, and as always, if you have any questions or wish to share, please leave a comment down below! :)
Millz.
xx
Beyond Blue LifeLine Psoriasis Talk
Its like we have lived parraell lives. I was diagnosed with psorasis when i was 3 months old. Went through the hell of school and can completely relate to male attention and going overboard. Im now 44 and sadly have only recently connected all the dots of depression, social anxiety etc. Just been diagnosed with PsA ss well which we tracked back to at least 8 years old.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your openess as now i know im not alone. I just need to work out where to from here.
We all do. I probably seem like I've got it all figured out but I don't. Not even close! I have regular fall into a puddle moments. As recently as yesterday. Haha. I've found most of my personality traits have been shaped by psoriasis, and I am a better person for it. Even with the occasional mental breakdowns. It makes for a strong person for sure!
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